


Lost in Solipsism

by pilarsofsalt



Category: Lemon Demon (Musician), Spirit Phone - Lemon Demon (Album), Touch-Tone Telephone - Lemon Demon (Song)
Genre: Angst, Depersonalization, Other, idea from honeycOrpse, idk how to tag, man-made object(lemon demon), silly little man loses his goddamn mind, the machine(lemon demon)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:29:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28576773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pilarsofsalt/pseuds/pilarsofsalt
Summary: Alone in the desert, a man works day and night on a machine. What its does, no one is sure of, butit means the world to him tosongfic based on man-made object, the machine, the only house that's not on fire (yet), modify, cabinet man, and touch tone telephoneWinny loses his mind, you love to see it
Relationships: Touch Tone Telephone/Cabinet Man
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Characters and pronouns  
> Weston(Winny)/Cabby- he/him and it/its (yes ik Winny is a "girls name" idc), hes the main character  
> Pavo- they them, Winny's architect "friend"  
> these guys are the only important characters in the first few chapters I'll update this later  
> also there's a guy named Gef bc I'm horrible at naming characters

**CHAPTER 1: MAN-MADE OBJECT**

"Who are you?” 

Winny looked up at who asked the question. A casually dressed woman looked back at him and smiled kindly, In her hands she held a few rolled up blueprints and a drawing tablet. 

“I’m Winny,” he stated confidently. “And this is Pavo,” Winny motioned at his friend beside him. Pavo gave the woman a small wave and smiled as well.

“Are you guys new here?” the woman asked.

“Yes we’re both starting work today,” Winny answered politely. “I’m the new engineer, and Pavo here, they’re an architect.

“Right this way then,” the woman motioned and started to walk to the left. Winny and Pavo trailed after her.

They walked for a few moments before stopping.

“Alright just go on down that hallway and take a right at the fourth door,” the kind woman pointed before turning and swiftly walking back the way the group had come.

“Alrightly then,” Winny chuckled and turned down the hallway, Pavo walking right next to him.

Pavo laughed back quietly and lightheartedly. “Guess she’s in a hurry. Makes sense, a construction site is always busy.”

“It's hard work, but that’s why we’re here isn’t it? Because we love the job.”

“Hey hey now we can’t love a job we haven’t even started yet! This is a first for both of us.” The pair continued walking. “I’m sure it will be fun though, from what I’ve seen of the first designs this is sure to be exciting.”

“That's cause you architects get to do the fun stuff with design. Us engineers have hard work to do to make your dreams a reality,” he huffed jokingly.

“Pfft you mean _civil engineers_. You still haven't decided what field of engineering to go into,” Pavo teased. 

“Four years of school and I’m still not sure..." He signed before continuing. "But this is our first job, I don’t need to know for sure yet. That's the point isn’t it? To see if we like this. Just make sure you and the other architects don’t make this too difficult.” Winny smirked.

“Alright alright I won’t make it too hard for ya, buddy.” Their footsteps clicked against the floor in sync and then stopped.

Winny and Pavo stood at a doorway. “I guess this is it Pavo,” Winny said, hopeful. He glanced over at his friend.

Pavo peeked in, “I suppose so, let’s go in.” They opened the door for Winny and followed, closing the door behind them and turning to observe the room.

It was a plain office meeting room, nothing too special. Tall potted plants lined both sides of the doorway. Pavo noted from the shape of the large leaves that they were fiddle-leaf fig plants. They knew quite a bit about plants, having taken some botany classes related to landscape architecture. Pavo also noticed that they were fake, as the leaves were too shiny to be real. They quickly reached out to feel the plants. _Yep, fake._ That was ok though, as there was hardly any sunlight in the room, only a few windows lining the back wall of the room, opposite of the plants. Real fiddle-leaf figs wouldn’t survive here. _I wonder how long I’ll spend in this room anyways, this building isn’t too close to the construction site._ They knew that later the team would move locations to work closer to their job site. 

The rest of the room was quite simple. A long meeting table ran down the length of the room, lined with rolling and cushioned office chairs. _Nice_. Hung on the windowless walls were some TV screens, presumably for presenting, and simple wall decorations. Whatever interior designer made this place had quite the minimalist style, but again, this was only an office. It could hardly speak for the actual work of the people here. 

A couple of other employees started to approach the pair, and Winny walked to meet them. Pavo heard their dear friend begin to speak while they still looked around the room. The architect drifted off into thought as Winny conversed with the others. _It feels like just yesterday we started school and met, but we’ve grown so close... I love him._ Pavo wasn’t sure what kind of love they felt for their partner, but it was very possibly more than platonic. Careful not to fall too deep into thought, they walked over to join the group as if on autopilot.

“This is my best friend Pavo,” they heard Winny say. Pavo was quickly dragged back to reality.

“Best friend huh?” said a short woman, presumably a new coworker to Pavo. The woman was dressed more formally than Pavo. She wore nice light brown pants and a neatly ironed white shirt. Her outfit was completed by a light brown tweed blazer and she held a cup of coffee in her hands. The currently unnamed woman had dark and curly hair that bounced when she spoke, and a smile that seemed more genuine than that of the blond woman who had greeted and guided Winny and Pavo earlier. Pavo could tell that the short woman standing in front of them was excited to meet her coworkers. 

“Yeah, we met in school and have been close ever since. It was very lucky for us to get work at the same place…” Pavo trailed off. 

Their other new coworker spoke up. “Well let’s show you guys around, this is just a meeting room.” He was taller than his female counterpart, but around others he would be considered medium height. The man was dressed the most casually of anyone Winny and Pavo had seen so far today, in only jeans and a dark blue sweater. As he spoke, he turned around and motioned for the others to follow him back to the fake plant lined doorway. 

“My name is Gef; I’m a civil engineer here at this firm.” He held open the door for the other three and they walked out to the hallway. “I’m assuming we’re on the same team now, what project are you here for? Actually, why don’t y’all tell me more about yourselves.”

“I’m Winny, a civil engineer as well, but I’m also pretty good with the mechanical side of things, not to brag. Like they said, me and Pavo went to school together. They’re an architect.” He smiled slightly, thinking of his and Pavo's earlier teasing conversation.

The short woman took a turn to talk. “Oh good me too. I specialize in urban planning, and I’m the one who made the original plans for this build. So glad to have another architect on the team. There's three of us now, you can meet Neil later.”

*****

All went well with Winny and Pavo's first job at the firm. The engineer and architect found that their skills improved vastly, with Pavo knowing they wanted to work more with exteriors and landscaping. This job had highlighted Winny’s civil engineering as well, but he still had a passion for the mechanical side of things. Perhaps his next job would focus on that. The pair fit right in from the start, Gef’s tour, and accomplished much in a small time. The job ran smoothly with Z, Neil, and Pavo's plans, Gef and Winny’s engineering skills, and the hard work of the contractors and construction workers on the team. 

While the whole group had grown closer, their relationships were always masked by a certain level of professionalism that Winny and Pavo never had with each other. The two still remained best friends, and Winny began to want more. Having been so close to Pavo for so long, he knew for certain that he loved the architect. _Not like I can tell them, it would be weird. Or has our friendship gone on long enough that this is a normal feeling. But then why does this feel like such a secretive and special thing to admit, even to myself? It's only love...nothing too special, right?_ He stopped himself before getting too deep in thought. It was, however, a bit strange that the two had never confessed to loving each other in any way. 

*****

Today was the last day of Winny and Pavo's first job. They stood side by side in front of the building before them. Despite being in the center of a city, surrounded by towering skyscrapers, this newly-finished project was quite short. It stood out as a break from the bustling streets and crowded skyline. Due to a stroke of genius from Pavo, many plants, trees, and benches had been added around the exterior, some in the shade of the building’s large overhanging shape, others in more direct sunlight. It could almost function as a park, while still upholding its original purpose: offices. How wonderful that Pavo was able to make something so boring a bit more exciting. Everyone had been impressed by their skill, and they were even offered a more long term job at the firm. Of course they would take it. It paid well, but that wasn’t the only reason Pavo knew it was the right choice for them to stay. 

Winny’s hand brushed against Pavo's as they stood together. The architect smiled. They couldn’t wait for a long career together with Winny. 

Winny stood next to Pavo, contemplating what to do next. The engineer knew Pavo loved the firm and was likely to stay, and while he would prefer to stay as well, to be with Pavo, it seemed foolish to base a decision on one person alone. He subconsciously moved his hand towards theirs. _What am I doing?_ Winny realized he was about to grab their hand, and pulled back at the last minute, but not before gently bumping hands. He watched nervously from the corner of his eyes as Pavo grinned. _Maybe I should stay. For them._ But deep down the man knew that he couldn’t. 

“Hey,” said Pavo softly.

“Yeah?”

They wrapped their hand around Winny’s, committing to what he was so anxious to do. _Now the time to say it, I should tell him now. I have to tell him now. Here goes nothing._

"I love you.”

At this verbal reassurance, Winny pulled the architect into his arms, embracing them in a hug. Pavo hugged back tightly. “I’m so glad I get to know you.” 

He couldn’t find the words to say what he needed to, unaware that he only needed to say Pavo's same three words back. 


	2. The machine part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Winny becomes a bit.... emotionally invested in the machine as he copes with leaving Pavo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)

_Don’t cry. Don’t cry._ Despite Winny’s efforts to keep it together, he began to tear up. He was currently in Pavo’s arms, hugging them as tight as possible. Today was their last day to spend time together before the man left to work for a separate engineering company. 

It was two weeks since their last project was completed, and the two were currently sitting on a bench near the lake. Over the past year, It had become their favorite spot to sit and watch the sunset after a long day of work, and the pair still came here often while they had been between jobs. 

Pavo pulled away, still holding the man’s hands, and looked at him. “Are you crying?” they laughed. 

Winny wiped his eyes and smiled. “What? No never..” he said sarcastically.

“Bruh its not the end of the world, your new job isn’t even that far away. We’ll see each other again, silly.”

“I know, I know,” he chuckled. “But it’ll be so weird to be apart. I know its just as long as our old summer breaks, but this _feels_ different. I don’t know when I’ll be back. I don't know if ill be back at the firm _ever_.

“Ok and?” They squeezed Winny’s hand. “Us working for different companies isn’t gonna change anything. We’re still gonna start renting an apartment together next month right? How are you gonna miss your own roommate?” 

Winny’s stomach dropped. “About that…” _No, what are you doing. How can you tell them the truth? That you’re not really gonna be working close by. The desert! Why’d I’d have to go and get work in the middle of the goddamn desert? Oh I shouldn't have taken this job, Pavo will kill me_. 

“...There have actually been some, uh, last minute plans.” He let go of Pavo’s hands and wiped his sweaty palms on his t-shirt. 

The architect tilted their head. “What do you mean?” Their smiled slowly faded, replaced by an expression of worry. 

“I, uh…I don’t know if that’ll be possible. The team’s not gonna be working...in town.” He winced and looked expectantly at Pavo. 

“Oh, thats uh, ok...well…” 

“I’m-really-sorry-it-was-a-last-minute-change-I-didn’t-mean-for-this-to-happen-I-promise- I’ll-be-back-soon!” he spat out. _Liar_. “And th- and then we’ll get a nice place together I promise.”

Instead of replying, Pavo grabbed their friend and held onto him tightly. Winny returned the hug, beginning to silently cry again. Pavo squeezed him even tighter now, not ever wanting to let go.

He left the next day.

*****

As Winny stepped out of the truck, the hot air took away his breath. He inhaled sharply and heard a snicker behind him.

“What? Not used to the desert heat city boy?” The fellow engineer teased. “No shade around here.” 

“Ha, I guess not.” He brought his arm up to his face to wipe the beads of sweat that had already gathered on his forehead. The desert sun beat down upon the group of trailers that had just come to a rest. There was nothing else except for sand dunes that stretched on for miles, as far as the eye could see. 

The group positioned their trailers in a half circle formation and spent the next few days setting up camp. Some trailers were for living, others stored materials. Several tents were set up for living or working stations. Camping chairs circled where a campfire was to be set up. Winny wasn’t sure what they needed a campfire for, as the trailers were plenty well equipped, some with their own stoves. 

Having already done planning back in town, the group was able to quickly jump into their work. Winny found that he easily set into this new routine, and he could tell the others were just as passionate about this project. 

Surprisingly, he didn’t spend too much time regretting his decision to abandon Pavo. _No, not abandon. I didn't abandon them I’ll be back._

The machine took up most of his focus anyways. 

*****

**Two months later**

_Well that was...easy...and...fast..._ He stood with his coworkers, positioned under an umbrella for shade, admiring their handiwork. They laughed and talked among themselves as Winny spaced out. _Almost too fast._ He found that he got stuck in his head much more easily these days, but he didn’t mind. The man had been pretty introverted his whole life, only starting to open up when he met Pavo. He had been quite quick to revert back to his old ways after the two separated. He followed the group to the front of the machine. Light flashed before his eyes. A camera. A group photo of the entire team and their finished project was the perfect memento. 

He continued to think of how the past few months rushed by. It was over too soon. But was it _really_ over? Surely there was more work to be done. 

Drinks were poured and cheers were made in celebration. Rather than enjoy their last day together, Winny continued to think. He loved what he did here. Like a lot. Way more than when he was a civil engineer back in the city. It's like he was born to be a mechanic. He was meant to build machines, and his time in the desert made that clear. This machine, it made everything, clear. _I can’t leave_. 

And so he didn’t. The others left the next day, as they were meant to. The machine had fulfilled its purpose, and some government officials were meant to visit it in a few weeks time. Winny muttered some excuse about wanting to stay behind a bit late to close up, but that he wouldn’t be too far behind. The noise of various engines starting filled the air, and the group waved a final goodbye. 

Winny watched the grey smoke clouds of exhaust pipes trail away into the distance with the other trailers and trucks. Eventually they disappeared over the horizon. The mechanic sighed and turned around. _Time to get back to work_. He grinned. What exactly he was going to work on, well that wasn’t clear. _Guess I’ll just add random things until I get a bigger idea._ He walked to the final trailer left behind, opening the door with a creek. The inside was a cramped little space, and a mess. He walked over to the only table and pushed a stack of old blueprints to the side. Grabbing a pencil, white crayon, calculator, and his favorite protractor, the man got to work. _Anything for the machine. My machine now, I suppose._ Quickly he forgot about his eventual visitors. 

*****

This new situation would take some getting used to. _I’ve never worked by myself like this before._ When the original desert team dispersed, Winny was startled, despite knowing from the beginning the group wasn’t intended to be permanent. The whole group wasn’t even together the whole time, many left after the original planning stages, and even more after materials, tools, and equipment were gathered. He should have expected this. The engineer's career had grown so much he was already working solo just fine...maybe. 

It took a few days for anyone to realize that he never even left. After a few emails making up excuses that the machine’s systems still needed work, Winny was granted permission to stay a bit longer. The engineer was asked if the team should return, but he denied that level of help. He liked the idea of working without a small group, and he wasn’t always alone, especially at first, but time between partners or assistants grew further and further apart over time. Only Winny stayed.

The engineer’s little “teams” changed often, afterall no one wanted to work in such a harsh climate for so long, not on something they saw as already being complete. He never had the chance to get close to anyone else, but it didn't matter, why would he want to? They weren’t Pavo. No one was like Pavo. Winny soon realized just how lucky the pair was to have met. _And for us to stay together after graduation? To be on the same project together for so long? That’s really special._ Perhaps Winny should at least make attempts at friendship with those who accompanied him, but just as soon as they arrived they would leave.

*****

Winny dug his hands through a pile of parts. It was late at night, and the cool metal pieces clanked gently against themselves. _Where is that damn screwdriver._ It was late, far too late for anyone reasonable to be working, but he didn’t care. Lit up by the machine’s always blinking lights, some makeshift lampstands he used to keep away the dark of night, and the sky filled with stars and the moon, Winny’s world wasn’t too affected by the change in time. Perhaps he was tired, but that didn’t matter. He wanted to build. 

His hand hit a plastic handle. _Finally._ He pulled the screwdriver from the bottom of the pile and held it up in victory. Tool in hand, the man now turned to a half made circuit board laying on a crate in the sand. He sat down, picking up the bag of screws that sat next to the base of the crate. Winny really needed to make himself better desk space, but his old workstations were all too crowded. Everything around here was so crowded, but it was an organized chaos.

_Time to get back to work._ Winny wondered how he still had motivation this late. _I really should get to sleep now._ He glanced back at the trailer that he “lived” in. It seemed to beckon to him, begging him to come sleep. _Ok ok, I’ll just finish putting these few screws in place_. 

Winny did not sleep that night.

In fact, it surprised the mechanist when the sun started to rise. Had he really just pulled an all nighter? The man yawned. _I’ll have to take a long midday break today and nap._

He didn’t. He barely took breaks to rest at all.

*****

One day, while working on the back of the machine, Winny was startled from his thoughts as he heard voices. _Am I going crazy?_ He chuckled to himself, not actually thinking so. _I’m not expecting anyone anytime soon, who could be all the way out here?_ He listened more closely as he reconfigured the wiring on an old circuit board. Must have been an old assistant who messed this up, it was too obvious a mistake for the mechanist to have made.

The voices became clearer as they moved closer. “And then, and then I told her, no, just no! Nothing more than that. And she looked at me like I was insane!” Two distinctly separate voices laughed. The group stopped in their tracks before the machine, gazing upwards in awe. 

“What’s this?” someone else questioned, changing the topic of conversation from whatever story they had been laughing about previously.

Winny put down the wires in his hand and rushed out to the side of the machine. “Hello this is my machine, how can I help you?” He leaned against its metal frame, quickly pulling away after realizing the metal was hot and burning to the touch. _This darn sun and lack of shade heats up everything_. 

Before him stood a small family of four. The two children continued snickering amongst themselves, gaining a glare from the mother. She looked back to Winny and cleared her throat, looking a bit embarrassed of her kids’ behavior. The engineer walked forwards to meet the group at the front side of his machine. 

As the mother spoke, the rest of the family continued to gawk at the machine’s size, wondering what such a thing could possibly be for. “W-what is this thing? And who are you?

Winny stood proudly, ignoring the second question and puffing out his chest a bit. “This is my machine!” he said, excited that these people seemed interested in his work. 

“But...what does it do?” 

The man’s smile faded at this question. Even Winny himself didn’t know anymore. So what was he supposed to say? 

“Well?”

His face fell as he suddenly became nervous. Why was he nervous?

The group all looked at the mechanist with curiosity. The man’s energy felt a bit...well...off. Who was he, and why wouldn’t he explain his machine?

“Is anyone else here with you?” questioned the father. He seemed to have pulled Winny out of his trance. 

Paying attention again, Winny cleared his throat and smoothed his shirt. Speaking confidently again ( _not sure how real_ this _confidence is),_ he answered. “Nope just me today. It’s not always only a one person team, I have people here all the time...” the man began to ramble off. These strangers didn’t notice how he rambled, and their bit of worry faded. 

“Its very impressive,” said a tinier voice.

“Huh?” Winny tilted his gaze downwards to look at who spoke. He was never too good around children, and he anxiously scratched the back of his head.

The child looked up at him, “I said, this is impressive. You’ve built a pretty cool machine, even if you won’t tell us what it's for.”

“Oh...thanks…” Winny wasn’t sure what else to say. _Surely they must be waiting for me to explain my work. But how can I even begin to say what this machine has done for me…_

To his pleasant surprise however, the family did no further questioning of the machine or its builder. In fact, all they did was give some small waves and turn back to the van parked at the top of a nearby sandune. The mother put her hand around the child who had just talked, and held the fathers hand. The second, smaller child took off running up the sandune. They yelled back to their sibling, “RACE YOU!"

“Hey that's not fair you're already ahead!” They took off running as well, kicking up sand as they tried to catch up. 

Winny shook his head and turned back to his work, not bothering to watch the family reach their van. 

*****

Oftentimes the dunes would shift from the wind. Sometimes stronger wind storms would completely change the shape of the sandy landscape overnight. Winny was used to this by now. He would start each day by clearing sand from more vulnerable parts of the machine. Early one morning, after a particularly strong storm, he hummed to himself as he brushed away sand from a blinking panel of colorful buttons and knobs.

Winny heard the revving of an engine, not bothering to turn around. He thought nothing of it anymore, it was probably just another car driving through the desert. The mechanic was surprised by how many people would drive through the desert. Even more surprising was how many would stop to see the machine. More and more visitors would stop, perhaps it was becoming a bit of a tourist attraction, this mysterious and ever-growing chunk of metal rested in a valley in the sand. Afterall, it was the only thing for miles, as far as the eye could see. 

After a few seconds the noise stopped, and Winny turned around seeing that he was right. Another visitor. The shiny gray car sat at the top of a surrounding mountain of sand. _This valley seemed to get deeper and deeper everyday. Or maybe the dunes just grow taller._ Sunlight reflected off of the car’s surface, and Winny briefly wondered why the machine no longer sparked. _The sand must be getting it all dusty, I should use today to do a deeper cleanse._ He heard the sounds of an engine starting up again, and the car took off again. Whoever was inside left before even bothering to get out and take a closer look. The stranger probably hadn’t even noticed Winny. 

*****

Sometimes when it was working, he’d think of Pavo. _They were the architect of my dreams, and yet I still left. I should have stayed, should have tried harder to keep us together. I was happy at that firm, why did I choose mechanics over them?_ Winny didn’t know why he was panicking so much, afterall, he’d see Pavo again soon. This job was _supposed_ to be a quick project, and it still was, right? Surely it hadn't been that long. He’d reassured himself that he'd see Pavo again soon.

Winny turned back to the pile of tools and mechanical parts that sat next to the unfinished frame of the machine. Things were starting to pick up with this project, he’d have to stay focused. _I should get back to work_ , he thought with a sigh.

*****

Day and night passed, but the machine was never quite finished. Its job was to help Winny, to give him work, a life's purpose. This job hadn’t yet been accomplished by the machine. Of course there are people who work until the day they die, so this chunk of metal, this mess of gears, axles, lights, and wire, could never truly be completed.

The desert sun beat down upon him as he worked on his machine, nestled between the blazing sand dunes. There were no people, no animals, no buildings, not a single sign of life or civilization for miles around. It was, both Winny and the machine, well it was alone. Not quite, of course, Winny and the machine had each other, and really, what else could the two possibly need. The machine was all he had and all he needed. The machine was everything.

He was the machine.


	3. The machine part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things take a turn for the worse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for depersonalization, panic attscks, and gore kick in during this chapter, continue slightly throughout rest of story

It was another day just like the rest. Winny was prepared to work when he woke up right until he fell asleep again. This didn’t necessarily mean a day, the man’s all nighters had become so frequent that they were the norm. 

He yawned and gently placed his hand on the machine, a coffee in his other hand. “Good morning”, he yawned. With no people around to connect with, Winny started talking to the machine like it was a person. “We’ve got quite a busy day ahead of us.”

Not bothering (or perhaps forgetting) to drink his coffee, he set the still full mug in the sand and climbed up the ladder that he had built into the back of the machine. Stopping a few feet up, he opened the hatch that led to its insides. Jumping back down, he ran to get wires and soldering tools. Hands full, he dropped the equipment through the hatch and jumped in. 

“I’d quite like to fix up some of these inner workings.” Sure enough, parts of the original machine were already outdated. “God you poor thing, what are these gears even here for?” Winny grabbed a screwdriver from his tool belt and worked on removing the gears. _So much work to be done_. 

*****

 _I should take a lunch break for once._ All the skipping of meals was finally starting to get to the man.

“Just gonna leave for a sec ok? Gonna go eat real fast, I’ll be right back. The man set down his tools. He climbed out of the machine reluctantly and gathered food from the trailer. Winny hummed softly to himself. Exiting the trailer he wandered over to a tent and set down the pile of stuff in his arms. Singing louder for the machine, he prepared a simple sandwich. 

Right as he was about to eat, he heard a strange noise. _Helicopter blades._ The sound was so unfamiliar that he almost didn’t recognize it. Sure enough, one could be seen in the distance. _Shit._ Winny had forgotten about the visitors, the real owners of the machine. _They can’t find out I’m here. Records of any work at this site stopped ages ago._ A horrible thought flickered through his brain. _I can’t work on the machine forever._ But the engineer knew that from the beginning. At least he _should_ have. Shaking his head to clear the thought, he tried quickly to think up a plan. Anything. 

Unsure of what to do, he ran inside his trailer again. He ran out a minute later, carrying what could barely be considered a gun. This weapon was made to shoot, but it had been modified to have a larger range, and didn’t shoot regular bullets. _When did I even make this?_ Winny had been in the desert for so long he didn’t even remember everything he did. _And why?_ But in this scenario, it was just what the man needed. His brain was stuck in an anxious fog, so without realizing, he ran back towards the direction of the helicopter.

Panicked, he shot aimlessly at the sky. He didn’t _mean_ to hit the helicopter, he wasn’t really thinking. It was an accident. He didn’t mean to hit it. 

The helicopter spiraled out of control, staying airborne for a few moments before taking a nosedive into the sand. Even from here, Winny heard the sound of the crash. _Sh*t._ He put down the gun carefully, afraid of it firing again. Why did he even have such a weapon in the first place?

He started towards where the helicopter went down. Slowly the mechanic came down from his adrenaline rush. As the old panick cleared with his brain fog, a new, an even more dreadful panic settled deep in his gut. _What just happened?_

Winny continued walking towards the wreck, his mind racing with millions of thoughts. He sped up to a jog, and then a full out sprint, kicking sand in every direction as he desperately tried to reach the ground below where the helicopter had been shot down. When he reached the top of the nearest sand dune, he slowed down, out of breath. The man was suddenly hesitant to go closer. _There’s no way the pilot survived._ He realized what would be waiting for him at the wreck. 

The man stopped, afraid to look up. Still he did, regretting it immediately. It was not a pretty scene. From what he could see at this distance, it was _horrifying_. 

Feeling nauseous, Winny looked down at his shaking hands and shivered. _What....What have I done_? He gagged, unable to look back up at the bloody scene before him. _Just leave, it’s not too late to turn around and go back. J-just pretend this didn’t happen. No one saw right? It’s ok right?_ A single tear rolled down his cheek as he shivered again. 

Cautiously he took another step closer, regretting it immediately. What could be seen of the body was completely mangled. It wore shreds of a completely bloodied suit, and was barely recognizable as a person anymore. Why did he go closer? It was even clearer now what Winny had just done. He...he _killed_ someone. Why? This wasn’t like him. _W-who am I?_

Trembling, the man fell to his knees, feeling as if he were about to throw up. A full sob escaped and he tried to bury his head in his hands, but he was shaking so much he missed and fell face first into the soft, sandy ground. Sinking further into sand and guilt, Winny left the sand stained with tears. He gagged a second time. 

After many moments of silence, he got up. Slowly lifting himself from the sand, he walked right to the crash, lifting up a broken door. He averted his eyes from the body and gulped nervously, but started to rummage through the wreck for parts. He felt numb. 

A few minutes later, he left the crash and started back towards the machine, a pile of mechanical parts carried in his arms. Winny might even come back a second time for more. If he needed to, the man realized, he’d do anything for the machine. There were no more tears to be had.

*****

Rather than think of what he had done, Winny only dove deeper into his work. _No time for thoughts now..._ How foolish for him to simply ignore his actions. Consequences would not be avoidable. But as he forgot the incident, he forgot the inevitability of more company. 

Were they even visitors? The original machine was commissioned for the government. It was supposed to be their machine. _It is their machine. NO. Not anymore._ Like usual, he avoided these thoughts with more work.

*****

Soon enough, Winny’s doomsday came. 

Early one morning Winny was awoken to the sound of tank engines. Rushing out of the machine, where he had started sleeping as he often fell asleep while working in the early morning hours, the engineer stared in horror at the sight on the horizon. 

A line of tanks rolled closer with every passing second that the man stood frozen in shock. A few helicopters flew overhead, reminding him of the incident. As they got nearer to the man and the machine, he heard megaphones screech to life. 

The unwanted visitors screamed, “Remain still and do not panic. We are only here for our machine.” The tanks stopped only a few dozen meters from the construction site, while helicopters hovered overhead. The sight of spinning blades made Winny sick to his stomach. 

Before anyone could get out, he dashed into his trailer and hid. For the first time since it happened, Winny thought of what he did, and how serious it really was. He could ignore the problem no longer. Surely _there are harsh consequences for what I have done._ He feared the worst. _But what could be worse than this? They’re gonna take away my machine. Right in front of me._

They poured out of the tanks. Many more people than Winny expected. Marching over to the machine, they began bashing its sides in without any thought, not even bothering to dismantle it properly. He realized why. _Oh. They don’t care about anything I’ve done, only the original. It’s still in there somewhere and they know that._

The engineer felt sick, like watching a part of itself die. _What if they come for me next?_

The panic attack hit him like a truck. 

_Not one of them understands...nobody understands. WHY CAN’T ANYONE UNDERSTAND? This machine, it's everything. It's the world. Why don’t they care about the world?_ The thoughts whirred by too fast for it to understand. _Breath._

_They’re going to take the world away from me. What am I without the machine? What is it without me? I’ll lose everything. I can’t let them do this. We need each other. Please don’t let them do this._

_No._

_Stop._

_Please._


	4. In the End You Just Have to Trust the Machine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pog through the pain :'(

**sol·ip·sism**

_Noun_

The view or theory that the self is all that can be known to exist.

That's what this slow fall to insanity had started as, a dive into his own mind. But as his mind became consumed by, and eventually connected to the machine, it lost even its own self. This merged consciousness, half human and half machine, only knew of gears and wire. Now that itself had come to be merged with the machine, all he was sure existed was the useless pile of mechanical parts.

*****

Its other half lay on the ground, now completely dismantled, and the thoughts came to a stop. But not a peaceful one. It was left with nothing but an empty panic. Too late to fight back, there was only one thing left to do. _Run._ One foot in front of the other, no thinking required. Adrenaline pumped through its veins; short, shallow gasps barely escaping its throat. Breathing was of no concern, only getting as far away as possible. 

*****

It was late in the evening now. _How long have I been running? Apparently not long enough to escape the neverending desert..._

 _Does it ever end?_ Winny was unsure if he would again see the outside world, of if this was his own little purgatory. He felt stuck.

As the adrenaline finally faded, he came back to reality. Realizing its efforts were futile, he slowed to a stop. The broken man tried to take in the world around him. Away from the electric noises of the machine, the silence seemed painfully loud. He sat in the quiet for a moment, still breathing heavily, before the dizziness set in. It quickly sat down as the world spun. Within seconds he was asleep.

As the sun set it cast a rainbow of colors across Winny’s surrounding world and that of the dreamscape. The clouds glowed in dazzling shades of pinks, oranges, and purples. A couple of desert birds flew overhead. They chirped a question, too far out of the mechanist’s range of hearing and going unheard. 

The clouds repeated the question louder. “Who are you?” they thundered.

_What? Are they talking to me?_ He stood up from working on the machine, gazing towards the sky, confused.

“Who are you?” asks the setting sun, as its last bit descended past the horizon. Light quickly faded. 

_What?_ he thought, more panicked now.

“Who are you?” spoke the machine, whirring gently. When the machine asked, it felt almost comforting, unlike the crushing discomfort of speaking to other parts of Winny’s world. _Wait, why is the machine here?_ Winny stood in silence, still speechless. 

“WHO ARE YOU,” the darkened desert sands repeated one last time, louder than ever. It was a simple question wasn’t it? _Just say your name, that’s who you are._ Yet it didn’t feel that way to him. Who _was_ Winny..... Certainly different from when he first started work on the machine. How long had it been? Weeks? Months? Suddenly it realized how quickly time faded while working on the machine. How quickly everything faded.

"WHO ARE YOU?" Screamed the machine. It was angry. Angry at him, its creator.

“I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE.” 

He screamed out in agony into the void and the emptiness around it screamed back.

And as the final sliver of the sun slipped under the horizon, all sunlight faded and everything went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> end of part 1 lets go babey!


	5. The Only House Thats Not on Fire (Yet)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yooooo we in part 2 now!   
> Swag

“Hey Pavo you ready for that planning meeting at 2?”

The architect looked up from their desk and nodded at Gef. “Yep, I’ll be there. Not like I have a choice, considering its _my_ presentation,” they laughed. 

Gef smiled back. “See ya in an hour then.” He turned and left, gently shutting the door after himself. 

Pavo turned back to their desk. On the left sat a laptop, displaying some 3D rendered plans for a new park. The right side of the desk was scattered with blueprints of the same park and pencil shavings. Pavo smiled to themself. They were a bit nervous about later, this part of the process was always the most nerve wracking, but this time was different. It was Pavo’s first solo designed project.

 _Oh how far I’ve come..._ Their smile faded as they thought through their time at the firm, starting from the very first project. Their project with Winny. They wondered how the engineer was doing.

_I miss him._

Suddenly the memories hit the architect like a brick to the stomach. Quickly, they sat down at the desk chair as it all came flooding back. _I was so happy. W-we were happy... together. Why’d he have to leave, why’d I let him leave, I miss Winny so much. I should-I should have gone with him since he didn’t want to stay._ Their mind traveled further back to university. To the first time the two met. His smile, his laugh, his voice. The butterflies in my stomach everytime they were around him. They paused. _Oh._

_Oh my god I’m so stupid. How could I not see. I-I loved him...AND I JUST LET HIM LEAVE? I let him leave...its...my fault..._ Pavo wiped their eyes as they began to tear up. _No no not here I can’t cry here. Not now._

They hesitantly stood up, wiping their eyes again.

It had been too long since the two friends spoke. Now that they thought about it, it was really strange how quickly they stopped communicating. Pavo realized they didn’t even know what Winny was going to do after he left. _Something about a team project in a desert. I remember teasing him for wanting to work in a desert._

_Why did things fall apart so quickly? We were so close for so long. He promised to keep in touch. But then again so did I. Was I the one to ghost Willy? Did I stop talking to him first? It is my fault..._

Pavo had gone on to do great things, but it wasn’t the same without their partner. Nothing was. _Why’d didn’t I appreciate those years more?_ Pavo briefly worried that they’d already lived through the best years of their life. _People don’t stay forever. But I’m successful now, shouldn’t that matter more? How’d I go so long without realizing how unhappy I was._ Pavo was supposed to be happy now, but it just wasn’t the same without Winny.

They sat in the silence, trying to gather their thoughts, when an idea came to the architect.

_WAIT I’M SO STUPID. WHY DON’T I JUST FIND HIM AGAIN. It’d be so easy! Why haven’t we met up again?_ Little did they know, Winny was gone from more than Pavo’s life.

Winny was...gone. 


	6. Modify

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Winny returns....but he isn't the same

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the longer break between chapters aha ha

**It is unclear what happened to that old machine out in the desert. Many say it was dismantled, others say it collapsed, but a pile of parts still remains. Some think it could still be out there to this day, trying to fulfill its purpose. There are no theories about what happened to the man. He’s less important.**

*****

Ever so slowly, the dark faded to light. Consciousness. 

It was awake again. 

Months had passed since the machine was taken down and Winny disappeared. The mechanist hadn’t been unconscious the whole time, no, only in hiding. Most people assumed him to be dead, and all records of the man seemed to agree. In a way, Winny was dead. It certainly wasn’t the same as before, what remained of its consciousness was almost a different being now. The long time isolated in the desert had changed the creator of the machine in more ways than one. 

The mental and emotional changes needed to be matched with physical ones.Today it awoke from a transition. After losing the machine, its life seemed meaningless. With nothing to work on, it decided to start over. But this time they would not take away the machine. No, this time it would become the machine. 

Its arms were coated in metal plates ending in mechanical hands. Exposed wiring tubes ran over its shoulders from its chest to its back, one on each side of its body. Antenna stuck out from its ears and the top of its head. Its legs were extended with large, heavy, and mechanical metal boots. It was unclear how much of it was still human and how much was machine. A humanoid shape remained, but this was clearly a cyborg. 

It had a second form, a large metal frame shaped like an arcade cabinet that it could retract it’s limbs into. It could still speak as it kept the human body parts necessary to do so, but in the larger form it could also display facial expressions and written messages across its screen. It liked this form, it felt more machine-like, but arcade cabinets are not mobile, a humanoid form was necessary for movement. 

Of course the half human, half machine couldn’t complete this transformation on its own. It knew purely mechanics, and wasn’t able to safely combine itself with a machine. Luckily there was someone to help it, someone who was an expert and all sorts of insane body modifications. 

The modifier. 

The modifier was famous for her ability to perform drastic changes to a person’s appearance, no questions asked. She did piercings and tattoos, unusual hairstyles, and would even cut off an arm or foot in the occasional amputation. But this transformation was the biggest project she’d ever had, and she was glad to work along with the expert mechanic. Even if she knew nothing about it or its past, she was willing to do whatever. For a price. Luckily the modifier didn’t question _how_ people got the money or means to pay either. 

“Well now that that is all done with, what's your name anyways?” the modifier asked. 

The newly transformed arcade cabinet hesitated for a few moments before answering, “Cabby, short for Cabinet Man.” It couldn’t say its old name, so Cabby lied with something it thought of on site. It’s not really a lie though. _I am a cabinet man now._

The modifier laughed. “Cabby, what a silly name for a silly little thing.” She looked at the creature before him, who could currently be best described as a cyborg. “Well alright then,” she said, “I hope this is what you wanted Mr. Cabby. At this point you're more of a machine than human.” 

_I already have been. At least now it’s physical as well._

The modifier looked a bit worried. This was so much more than other peoples modifications. They had still looked human afterwards, but the Cabinet Man before her, well she wasn’t sure what it was.

*****

What Cabby didn’t admit to the modifier is that it did not intend to use its more human form. The cyborg might not even keep the second form if it found a way to remove it. _What use is there for me to stay humanoid? Not like I plan on moving, especially since I’ll be in an arcade full of others all day. Others? Other what? The arcade visitors will not be like me, no one is like me anymore. People, I meant people, there are no other cabinet men. Just me. I’m a machine now…_


	7. Cabinet Man part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chapter title is pretty self explanatory tbh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aha sorry for going on such a long break, but I'm back now

The air was fresh with the scent of rain, and sidewalks and streets were still littered with puddles. Although the clouds had cleared from the sky, it was early in the morning; the sun had not yet risen. A figure walked alone down the lamppost-lit street.

Cabby wasn’t sure where it was going, but after last night’s storm, it knew better than to try seeking shelter beneath places like that small bridge near the outskirts of town. The modifier promised its new parts would be waterproof, but the cabinet man didn’t trust her. 

It turned a corner and, after walking for a bit longer, found itself at the storefront of an arcade. _The perfect place, just what I need._ Cabby peered through the dark windows. In the dim light it could see rows of other arcade machines. The whole place was reminiscent of the arcade Cabby would often visit as a child. It hesitantly reached out for a door handle, expecting the place to be locked.

Instead, to its surprise, the door creaked open. The cabinet man slowly entered, careful to make the entrance look as it had before. It wiped its metal feet on the carpet and ventured further in. 

After looking around a bit, it found a space in the corner. Cabby sat down, transforming into its less humanoid form to match the other arcade cabinets. It breathed a sigh of relief, finally able to rest.

*****

Being a cabinet man was actually...nice. During the day, Cabby was constantly surrounded by happy children and teens, their laughter filling the air. They’d come to play the arcade machine, and it felt of use. It was...happy too. Happier than Cabby had been for a long time. Not since… well it couldn’t remember. The transformation to become half human and half machine must have messed with its memory. But it could remember the feeling of happiness, and there must have been something to make this arcade feel so much like home.

_I want to stay here forever._

*****

Hunger wasn’t something Cabby really felt anymore, it lived on coins as sustenance, but of all the old experiences from its time as a human, eating was what it missed the most. Not even for survival, just eating for the sake of eating. 

Months had passed since its arrival at the arcade, and the limbs inside the arcade machine’s outer body had begun to rust from disuse. Its arms were still in decent condition, as it used them often. The mechanical metal legs on the other hand...they were in a bit worse condition. Cabby was unsure if it could walk anymore. Unfortunately this meant it had no real access to food.

_It’s not like anyone can bring me food, they don’t know I need to eat, or that there's any sentience within me._

It thought more about what to eat, listing and crossing off ideas in its head. 

_People! There_ were people around all the time! It was the perfect idea, and this wouldn’t be the first time it ended someone’s life. Cabby quickly shoved that thought away. No need to feel so guilty about the past, it meant nothing now. 

*****

Cabby had come to the conclusion that the solution was maintenance men. Children were out of the picture, less because of morals and more due to their size. The arcade machine couldn’t waste his opportunities, he had to prioritize. A maintenance man would also be the most vulnerable. Often they came around when the arcade was closed, so no witnesses, and they were very unsuspecting. It was perfect.

Rather than waiting for another machine to need fixing, Cabby faked a breakdown for itself. At first it was subtle, its gameplay acting a bit off for a few days. Eventually it took a huge risk and stopped accepting coins on the first try. Some kids were impatient and gave up immediately. Giving up a bit of breath would all be worth it tho. 

The half arcade cabinet half human freak decided it was time to go all out, shutting down in the middle of a game. 

“Aw man!” cried out the player. They groaned and shuffled away. If it could, Cabby would grin to itself.

It didn’t have to wait long. Maintenance was called right away, and came that evening, right after close. The unsuspecting man set down his tool kit, grabbed a screwdriver, and opened Cabby’s back, expecting the usual panels and wire, not, well whatever Cabby was.

_Too late to turn back now._ The cabinet man was left with no other options. _This is what I must do._ It reached its arms out and snatched the maintenance man.

*****

This time taking a life felt different. Perhaps it was due to Cabby’s loss of humanity. This wasn’t like killing a human when you yourself are human. _Afterall, humans kill and eat other animals all the time, and there’s no moral objection there._

It noticed a dreadful yet already accepted feeling. Or rather a lack thereof. 

No...no remorse. It felt almost natural. Afterall, in man against machine, machine will conquer all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey fun fact this /is/ actually Cabby's childhood arcade, it just doesn't remember


End file.
